How to trap an actor

It’s easy really, use food. Free food. That’s important, it has to be free food. A buffet works as well as a basket of muffins or flapjack. Some actors have evolved the ability to materialise next to a buffet just as it opens. Others have grown special pouches that can conceal food they can’t eat immediately so it can be saved for later.

It’s down to the fact that your average professional actor has no idea when they can afford to eat next, so the idea is to fill up as much and as quickly as they can from a rich source of free nourishment to sustain them until the next time food becomes available.

The really sly ones will use considerable charm and skill and manage to wangle packets of crisps and nuts in amongst a round or leave before paying the bill in a large party of people at a restaurant.
Invite them to a wedding and know they’ll soak up as much booze and food as possible but give money’s worth in sheer entertaining antics , either inadvertently or intentionally.

Actors who excel at this attribute run into trouble when they have a measure if success at work. They are earning regular money, so can afford to eat but can’t stop themselves from scavenging the free stuff. Consequently they can balloon in weight and suffer loss of work or become typecast in “larger”roles. Tragic really.

So in short, the way to catch an actor, as if they were a wild animal would be to wedge a door open, with a sign pointing to it advertising a free buffet and as soon as they enter – slam! Spring the trap! But if you succeed, treat them nicely and feed them regularly.


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